change

I was sitting at a long and narrow wooden table with many other people. The table was very low, only inches off the ground, so rather than sitting on chairs, we sat cross-legged either side of the table, facing our dinner partner. Each person had a similar table setting: a wooden placemat or tray holding a plate of food and a glass of red wine. Everyone else had accepted the glass of wine that was offered with the meal, but I had bought a glass of quality wine to enjoy with dinner. As we sat, the ground tipped beneath us until we were sitting on a steep slope. Everyone else stayed anchored to their place with their placemat fixed to the spot, but my placemat, along with my meal and wine, started slipping down the hill. I attempted to keep it in place, but my body began to slide down as well. Again, I tried to remain in place but I could not, so rather than upsetting the wine and losing my meal, I steadied them as I slid down to the bottom of the hill to flatter ground. I could see my dinner partner, still sitting in place. I looked up to see that I had come to rest directly below an unstable shelf holding stuffed toys and memorabilia. The shelf gave way and it fell down, raining me with all of the items that had been stored on it. Various people who had been seated at the table came to help me, picking up the wooden shelf and the bulk of the toys. My wine had been knocked over but had been soaked up by a newspaper, so I was not worried about the mess, only about wasting it. I looked back at the table and could see my dinner partner still seated there – my partner had not tried to help me. I lay down again, closing my eyes, trying to block out this reality and leave the space.

Next, I entered a room full of people that I knew in one capacity or another. I greeted some of the party with a kiss, but I could sense that not everyone was genuine in their greeting or friendship. I particularly noticed that one man turned his cheek a certain way as I leant forward to kiss him, indicating his insincerity. Another man, who I know only as an acquaintance, stood and greeted me with great warmth and I knew that he could be trusted as a friend. My partner arrived and we went to talk with a woman that we both know; for some reason, there was a link between the three of us that is not a part of our waking life. I had not seen the woman for a long time and I was surprised to see that she had put on vast amounts of weight. She was sitting, eating something, and her cheeks were puffed up, squashing her features. I could hardly recognise the attractive girl I once knew.

Next, I was driving around the streets of Newcastle, in the suburb where I lived as a child. I was doing my best to navigate the streets which were now very busy, unlike the quiet I remember, finding my way home. I was not certain of which way to go; the roads were now changed and multi-laned, with added routes and detours. Whilst I was driving, I was also considering my future. I turned right into a main road, and paused at the lights waiting until they changed green. I must have been slow to take off as another car overtook me by swerving around me on the outside.

I arrived back at my home which was not my family home, rather the house where I lived with my partner. It was night and there were hordes of people climbing the stairs into the house. The crowd was made up of quite groovy people, many of them 30 to 50 year olds, and some of them I recognised. I realised that the house was on the market and that the crowd was here to inspect the house. I walked into the well-lit rooms, doing my best to get around the people. Our familiar furniture was mostly gone and there was display furniture in its place. In one room, there were a number of high tables with stools around them, like those you would see in a café or a bar. As I weaved my way through the tables, they closed in around me, squeezing against my hips and waist. I retrieved a clean bedspread from the laundry and went upstairs to place it on the bed. When I went to the main bedroom, I could see that the bed did not need a bedspread, so I went into the second bedroom that we reserved for guests. In the second bedroom there was a double bed and a single bed and I was shocked to see that they had both been slept in. I covered the double bed with the white and blue bedspread. My friend came in and I asked if she had slept in the bed. She answered that she had been out drinking and could not remember if she had slept there or who had slept in the other bed. I was very concerned. I then noticed that there were unfamiliar pictures stuck on the walls, pictures of boys' toys and monsters. I went to take them down but my friend told me that the new owners had already started to install their furniture and belongings. Our house was being taken over before we had left it.

Next, we were moving into a new home: an old, run-down apartment. I was walking around the apartment trying to understand the layout, but no matter how I looked at it, the floor plan seemed to shift and change. I could not comprehend which room was meant to be which or how we could organise our belongings in a pleasant and homey way. There were faded white curtains with orange flowers serving as room dividers and covering the windows, and there was old, discoloured carpet on the floor. I was disappointed that this was to be our new home but I tried to present an optimistic face. I opened a side door to let a breeze blow through the house and dry leaves blew in and covered the floor. I could see that my friend was irritated but I said that I would vacuum the leaves up.

exam

I was sitting for an exam. I completed the first few pages of the exam, answering questions that were relevant to the subject in which I was being tested. I noticed that I wrote my answers in blue pen which is unusual for me; I almost always use a black felt tipped pen. I realised that I had not written my name on the paper and I searched for the correct space to write it. I couldn’t find it and I felt confused; how would the examiners know that it was my paper? I turned to the back page and read ahead, feeling somewhat daunted and excited as the back section of the exam asked questions such as “What are your beliefs?” and “How do you feel about relationships?” I wanted to answer the questions thoughtfully and honestly. The questions challenged me to articulate my true beliefs. I also understood that the teacher was not judgmental, that he was open-minded and wise. I flicked back a couple of pages to where I was up to, deciding to address the rest of the paper in order, but couldn’t make head nor tail of the first question of the mid-section of the exam. I had to ask another person – she had finished her paper and was sitting back, texting someone on her mobile phone. I realised that the question asked if I was moving, and that the following questions related to moving house and where I was going to live. At that moment, the teacher announced that the time was up and we were to put down our pens. I had only answered the first section of the entire exam and I knew that I could not possible do well. I was disappointed, particularly as I wanted to express my thoughts on the topics raised. Instead of showing my disappointment, I said to the others at my table that it was only an exam, a small part of life, trying to place it in perspective. In truth, I had wanted to do well and felt that I had let myself down.

shouting & remorse

I was in a house with several other women. Something angered me and I shouted at the others. My voice was loud and hoarse as I attempted to communicate my feelings, and I was aware that I was communicating badly. Instantly, I was ashamed of my behaviour and I wondered when I had started shouting like that, when it had become acceptable to me. The other women were disapproving in their silence. I understood that a very young child, a girl, was sitting outside in the backyard on a swing, upset because of my screaming. I wanted to comfort her but felt obliged to stay inside, taking part in the household activities. Eventually someone else went to be with her. I crept outside and saw that she was now next door with a group of other people, much like a church congregation, happily dancing to some music. I felt relieved that she was alright and I went back inside to attend to another small child, a boy, who was waiting for me.

thwarted path

I was in an outdoor café, sitting at a table with B. There was a group of people sitting a few tables away, calling out and generally being very loud and rude. I went over to their table and told them to be quiet and that they should consider other people, this late Sunday afternoon. I then went into the chamber where the elevator would normally be, discovered it was gone, so I began to climb up the wall frames like scaling up monkey bars, until I reached the correct floor. I emerged into a library where I could see an old friend who was now the manager there. She looked a little older and I was impressed, if a little daunted, by how far she had come in life.

Next, I was in the foyer outside the library, attempting to cross to the other side of the room, but I was caught in the middle of a game much like Red Rover Cross Over. Every time I attempted to race ahead, a robot came whizzing across the floor, tapping me on the shoulder, so that I was frozen to the spot until another person freed me. Then the robot would immediately speed over to tip me again. I could not work out how to get to where I wanted to go as the robot had super-human speed.

purple python

I was in Germany, taking a tour of the house and garden of a man who lived in the early years of the twentieth century. He was famous for birthing new ideas and experimenting with unconventional art forms including musical, visual and literary - a visionary. The house was a huge stone mansion, housing at least several families or a large extended family at one time. It was definitely a very wealthy household. Here, I was told, he hidden during the rise of Nazi Germany, taking shelter in the secret basements, continuing to create and invent. I walked through the densely landscaped rose gardens that swept down the hill behind the house. As I neared the servants’ quarters, the path grew thick with foliage and I couldn’t get through without lying down on the ground and rolling under the thorny branches, then stepping carefully down a very slippery and steep stone wall. I felt anxious about the maneuver, my heart racing as I bent under the branches and touched the rock, and a purple snake whipped out and latched its mouth around my wrist. I did my best to squeeze the snake just behind its head so that it would let go. It did, its mouth open wide, trying to bite me again, but I could see that it hadn’t any teeth. I threw the snake away into the garden, but it came back to bite me again. Several times I had to grab the snake by the tail and behind its head, pulling it off my wrist, then throwing it back into the garden.

homestead

I was the passenger in a 4WD, heading out of Brisbane, into the country. We passed a woman that I know; she was walking in the fields, alone. She stared into the car and called out as we passed, asking if I was alright. We arrived at a homestead: a sweeping, low-set sandstone building, crowning the top of a gentle hill. It was approaching dusk and we were to gather in the shared living space for an evening drink. I freshened up from the drive, looking into a mirror with an ornate silver frame, whilst my companion, a man I know, lay on the bed. His friend, a tall, glamorous woman, made a graceful entrance, the wind blowing her loose-fitting clothing, the tails of her head scarf billowing behind her, and her eyes shaded by dark glasses. As she came close to me, bending to kiss me hello, I could see that she was very ill: her skin was spotted and she was bald.

Next, I was at the foot of the hill with my family, around a camp fire. There was a small cliff behind us. We were lying on the grassy sand, looking out to the ocean. Children were playing in the shallows – strange children with unusual faces. We began to walk along the shore, heading back up the hill. In a small alcove in the cliff face, a black cat sat, sheltering from the wind. It had a peculiar face with small green eyes. My brother touched it gently with a small stick; it nuzzled the stick and he gave the cat a scratch. We looked behind us and saw that another black cat was sitting on the hot coals left in the hearth where our fire had been. We walked up the hill toward the homestead, watching the ground for beautiful stones and jewels that were embedded in the earth. My brother bent, picking up stones and gemstones every few steps, handing them to me to hold.

my siblings

I was in the bedroom of the home I lived in throughout my teenage years. I was in bed and my mother walked in with two other people: a man and a woman. She flicked on the light and showed them around the room – perhaps they were buying the house. After they had gone, my sister came into the room; she looked lovely and sleepy so I lifted the quilt and let her crawl into bed beside me. Next our brother joined us; he was wearing a rust coloured hand-knitted jumper like one he might have worn when he was a child. Another woman sat with us in the room; it became apparent that this was our older sister. My mother came in and gave her a present: a sky-blue, wide belt with a silver buckle. She thanked my mother, who left the room, but I didn’t feel that she had appeared grateful enough. She explained that she liked that belt but was not sure about its value. I told her that I was looking forward to getting to know her and that I had known and understood my brother and sister our entire lives. My brother then walked out of the room and began to cross a road that appeared outside the bedroom door. A car rushed by and he tripped, hitting his head on the bitumen. We all ran to him. I arrived first and I picked him up and turned him over, holding him in my arms. There was blood on his head and my heart pounded so hard in my chest I woke with a start.

singing

I was onstage in a rehearsal, singing a song that I wrote a few years back: “Indigo Waves”. I was accompanied by an orchestra and I was thrilled with the depth of the instrumentation - it sounded so wonderful, so rich and layered, now that there was a whole orchestra creating the music. I noticed that the arrangement was slightly altered; it was a powerful and beautiful sound. I felt overjoyed.

lullaby

I was in the kitchen of the family house we built when I was young. Various family members were in the kitchen and the adjoining sunroom, talking and milling around. My brother was there, at his current age and height – in his thirties and six foot something – and I picked him up in my arms, cradling him like a child. He was light and I felt quite able to lift him. I sang a lullaby, walking around the house, and quite enjoyed the resonance of my own voice, deep and low in my throat. My mother and sister joined in singing the last few notes.

costumed dance & shop

I was working in a themed retail outlet in a busy shopping centre. It seemed to be a night shift although I couldn’t see natural light or the time to confirm this. Customers were coming in and out of the shop, all dressed in strange costumes complete with masks, headdresses and painted faces. They were not playing characters specific to a time period or a recognisable theme, and although each character was unique, once the characters were all assembled, they resembled a modernistic and colourful tribe. I was working with a young girl who had obviously been in the shop for some time. She was teaching me the various procedures and showed me where to hide my bag and, after I removed them, my shoes. I tidied shelves and did some paperwork. Toward the end of the shift, all of the characters who had gathered took position on the floor and began to dance. It was a fantastic dance: the whole group had mastered the choreographed routine and looked fabulous in their extreme costuming. I watched them dance for a time, feeling that I would like to be a part of it, but also feeling that they were a strange collection of people. Suddenly, I felt urgent about leaving. I realised that I didn’t want to work in retail and I wasn’t sure why I had accepted the position. I decided to tell the girl that I was going home and that I wouldn’t work another shift; I wanted her to pass on the message to the woman who owned the store. I found the girl at the back of the shop and explained that I was leaving and that the money I could earn working for myself was better, as well as the creative rewards. I told her that she was terrific at her job and wished her all the best. I went to collect my handbag and shoes from behind the counter at the front of the store. I opened cupboard doors and couldn’t see it anywhere, but then my mobile phone rang and I located it in a bottom cupboard. I then looked for my shoes: a pair of sparkling silver jiffies like dancing shoes. I couldn’t find them. Others, including the girl, helped me look, and eventually she found them by climbing up a ladder and unpacking the top shelf. She passed them down to me but they had melted; I had to reshape them somehow.

shooting stars

I was sitting in my car, but I was not moving. Rather, I was parked on a street at the top of a hill, overlooking a city. Even though I was in the city, the stars in the night sky were spectacularly bright. I looked out the window, ducking my head slightly so that I could see as much of the sky as possible, and gazed into the stars. I could see the yellowish crescent moon, thin against the deep charcoal blue, and hundreds of white and yellow stars, shining like diamonds. Suddenly, a star shot across the sky, arching over the moon and disappearing behind the silhouetted horizon, leaving behind a fading, luminous tail. I turned to tell my friend and then bent down again to see the sky. A second shooting star blazed a trail across the dark sky. I watched as it jetted off; a white light moving through space. Again, I turned to my friend in the driver’s seat and told her about the sight. A third time, I dipped my head and peered out the window, and yet another star fell from its position and burnt a brilliant path across the sky.

blue thing

I dived into a pool of crystal clear, icy water. The pool was exceptionally deep and its walls and floor were made of cement that had been painted bright sky blue. The paint was peeling in places. I felt the rush of cold water as I plunged under the surface, and then I stayed up the shallow end of the pool for a short time, waiting for a group of three boys to leave the deep end of the pool. I turned in a slow backward somersault through the water, arching backward and enjoying the stretch. As the boys climbed out of the pool, I swam, freestyle, up to the deep end. I was aware of my stroke, of moving smoothly and lightly, causing minimal splashing. Once up the deep end, I paused, holding onto the edge of the pool. Something stung my finger; I looked and there was a Daddy Long Legs spider clutching the end of my index finger on my right hand. I was reasonably confident that the spider was not poisonous but I wanted to remove it urgently. I tried flicking it off but it clung to me. I then pulled at a couple of its legs which broke off and instantly it grew others. It grew more and more until it had at least twenty brittle legs. Finally, I managed to shake it off but I could see that, where it had pierced my skin, there was now another creature hiding, just under my finger nail. Tiny curling tentacles hung out of the bite, so I grabbed them and pulled; an iridescent blue creature emerged, much like a blue bottle, complete with a long trailing tail. This tail seemed to be attached to an inner coiling mechanism so that the creature could twist it inside itself at will. I tried to throw it away but its body stuck to my fingers. I tried again, this time it flew through the air and landed on the grass but its tail end stuck to my hand so that the body was still attached and it whipped back again, winding the tail back up inside itself. I repeated this a couple more times and it returned to me each time. I was now sitting on grainy yellow sand and I thought I should bury the creature so as to suffocate it, but I felt too horrible and didn’t want to hurt it. A woman sitting with me told me that it was the only way to get rid of it so I quickly dug a hole with my left hand and buried the blue thing, piling sand on top of it as fast as possible. I then pressed down on the sand, keeping it under; I could feel it struggling to burrow up to the surface and then it stopped.

unfamiliar

I was travelling around America, a passenger in a car, sitting on the left as we do in Australia, not to the right. We were also driving on the left-hand side of the road. I consulted a hand-drawn map which looked nothing like the real thing: the land mass was an entirely different shape and the states were divided and named quite oddly. South America was almost in the middle of the continent. The map was rendered in lead pencil, drawn on an old sheet of white paper. We turned left off the main highway and looped around a narrow street so that we were driving back in the direction we had come from. The street was narrow and wound around a steep cliff. Cars passed us at terrific speeds, overtaking our car and shooting off ahead. Eventually, we stopped and found ourselves in a neighbourhood street. I went into a room that was my bedroom, and changed my clothes. I looked in a full-length mirror, slightly concerned by my appearance: my black pants hung low on my hips exposing white underwear; my black top was too short and my white bra was extremely ill-fitting. I wondered why I was wearing white under black. I left the bedroom which opened directly onto the street, and pulled a curtain across—the only thing separating my space from public space. I thought that I would rather a secure room and worried about who might enter at will.

tiny

I was lying in bed when someone came into the bedroom, offering me a banana sandwich. I could see the thick slices of banana, wedged between two slices of brown bread. (I haven’t had a banana sandwich in about twenty years.) I went into the living area and then returned to the bedroom to wake B, so she could have a sandwich too. She was still asleep but she had shrunk a lot; she was now only the size of a small kitten. She rolled over and was in danger of being suffocated by the soufflé into which she had rolled. I picked her up gently out of the egg white mixture, cradling her in my hands. I thought I should give her a wash before I took her out to have a sandwich, so I went into the bathroom and filled the sink with lukewarm water. I wondered how to not alarm her by waking her too suddenly and how she would feel, now that she was so tiny.