Wednesday 28 October 2009

fear

I am waiting to cross a very busy road. Enormous trucks like road trains hurtle past - smoke blowing, engines roaring, lights beaming. Giant tyres spin past and I wait, anxious. B walks across the road easily. I can see her on the other side. An old woman with a walking stick and wearing lavender also waits. She hangs back from the kerb and I think she must be worried about crossing too. The lights change and it is time to cross the road. I go to help the old woman and she calls me 'dear'. Crossing the road, however, proves to be terribly hard. My legs won't work properly and each step requires enormous effort and concentration. My fear paralyses me so I walk with long, wobbly strides, swaying and very slow. The old woman thinks I am drunk and shuns me. She disapproves. The lights have changed again, the old woman is safe on the other side, and I am still crossing the road, trying to master my fear so that I can walk easily again.

stairs down

Walking through an underground shopping centre, pushing a trolley. My brother is just ahead. We need to walk down steep, spiraling stairs, so I grip the trolley with one hand, holding it in front of me, and hang on to the balustrade with the other. There are many people climbing down the stairs, all in a single file for the stairwell is narrow and grows increasingly steep. More people enter the stairwell from underground railway platforms, adjoining the stairs. My progress down is slow, with the weighty trolley, hanging now, in front of me. I see my brother further ahead. He is walking with ease down the stairs, his hands comfortably by his sides and his feet sure. Suddenly, the balustrade ends. There are just stairs and nothing to hold onto. I am even more careful. I do not want to fall, nor do I want to lose my grip on the trolley and injure anyone below, particularly my brother. An old woman enters the stairwell from one of the railway platforms - she steps out of the light and into the darkness of the underground. For some reason beyond my control, my arm flies back and I hit her in the stomach. She is furious and tells me she is going to press charges. I am confused - I did hit her, but I didn't mean to. I try to joke, to diffuse the anger or sidle out of the situation, but she will not be appeased.

Friday 23 October 2009

fixing situations

I was in Newcastle and I drove to a venue that regularly housed an art exhibition, open to the public every weekend. The woman who organised the exhibition was there and she told me about the latest sales and encouraged me to display more of my work for sale. I was inspired by the idea and returned home where I sorted through old canvases, deciding which ones I would paint over, ready for the exhibition next weekend. I went to a shop to purchase some art material and, upon paying for my goods with my new eftpos card, two hundred dollars was inadvertently debited from my account. I waited while the man reversed the transaction, crediting the money back to my account. The next morning, Sunday, B and I went down the road to a cafe that opened at nine. We talked about their late opening hours realising that it brought them their target trade. We had breakfast and went to the counter to pay. Again I used my new card and again money was wrongly debited from my account, this time one hundred dollars. The man pointed it out to me and I told him I would wait whilst he rectified the situation. Not sure of how to do it, he charged one of the younger workers with the job. She went to find instructions on how to proceed. The line grew behind me and someone else started serving the waiting customers. I waited for forty-five minutes, growing increasingly angry. Finally I found the young woman for whom I was waiting and confronted her. My anger bubbled up until I was shouting at her, telling her how long I had waited. As I shouted, she backed toward the cupboard behind her, her body disappearing, until finally, she evaporated and passed through the closed wooden doors of the cupboard, hiding deep inside. I felt sorry and called out to her, saying that I didn't think she was stupid, that I believed she could do a good job. The cupboard doors opened a little and I hoped she would come out. Instead, her two shoes stepped out - she was still invisible - and walked quickly away. I was alarmed that my anger had caused such an extreme response, but felt sure that I could right the situation.

Monday 19 October 2009

escape

Running along a road, being chased by an enormous black male gorilla. He ran past the other gorillas, focussed on me. I ran as fast as I could, but it was clear that he was far too powerful to outrun. There was only one thing for it - go up. As he gained on me, almost upon me, I manifested flippers and used them to push off the ground and fly into the sky, flapping my flippers. The confused gorilla watched me from the ground and soon I had flown so high that he was a mere speck on the ground. I looked around and saw others flying, mainly in small hot air balloons. I didn't want to fly too high so I kicked my legs more slowly, ascending more slowly now. I enjoyed the sensation of flying whilst also wondering how to land.

Saturday 17 October 2009

warning

B and I were living in a house directly opposite the New Farm shopping centre in an old cottage that was in need of structural repair. It was night and we were sitting in the lounge room, watching television. B was waiting for someone to arrive with some important documents, so I was attentive to any sounds of visitors at the front of the house. Someone knocked at the door and I ran through the house, opened the door that divided the lounge room from the entrance, and called out, asking who it was. A male voice answered that he was the secretary and, without checking further, I opened the front door. A man of about fifty, balding with grey hair around the sides of his head and with a grey beard, wearing a dirty white t-shirt, stood at the door with a group of others lurking behind. He said he wanted a cup of coffee. I hesitated as I didn't want to let him in, but another man stepped forward and produced a cheap plastic stanley knife with the blade fully drawn. He threatened me with it and I could think of no way of preventing them from entering. Knowing I had no milk in the house, thinking that just maybe this might deter them, I asked how he liked his coffee and he answered 'black'. They walked forward - the two men and about three other people behind them - backing me through the house. B had heard them coming and was in the kitchen, putting the jug on. She too asked - urgently - how he wanted his coffee and again the man answered 'black'. It was, of course, a ruse to enter the house and I knew that B would be trying to think of a way to protect us. The man wielding the knife had me cornered, and I could do nothing.
I woke briefly and went back to sleep.
I was in a house where many people lived. Again it was an old house in need of repair. While the others were busy with their own business, I ventured out the back of the house and around to the side gate. The afternoon was darkening and I retreated, through the back yard which stretched out into the vacant block next door, with no fence to divide the two properties. On the vacant block I could see a woman who I knew was with the group that had entered our house in the dream earlier. I knew too that it had been a dream and now I recalled it like a warning. I hurried to the back door, but was cut off by the same man from the previous dream who had threatened me with the knife. Again he held a cheap plastic stanley knife with the blade fully drawn and he toyed with it, placing it to my throat and pretending to slash the skin on my arms. Again he wanted to come in.
The dream skipped forward and I was inside the house, safe from harm, but quite upset. I found two friends who were also living in the house. They were both friends from my school days and I knew they knew me well. I need to tell them about the experience. I explained the first dream as though it had been a harbinger, and then told them, in great detail, about the second occurrence.I felt that had I listened to the message of the first dream, that I wouldn't have been faced with the danger twice.

Wednesday 14 October 2009

house and confidence

I was staying in a huge house, perhaps a vast homestead, overlooking the sea. I wandered between two rooms in particular, feeling that I had stayed here many years ago when I was a child. I sensed that my sister and I had stayed in the smaller of the two rooms, our twin beds pushed against opposite walls of the room. I went into the larger room and found several other people, including a blind man with a walking cane that was painted red and white. I touched the end of his cane and then wondered if he was completely blind or if he had seen me. I felt a little embarrassed. More people gathered in the room and we lined up, ready to practise a dance. Music played and, driven by the rhythm, I broke out of the line formation and danced around a frangipani blossom that was lying on the floor. Instead of dancing, the entire group left the room and ran along the ocean shore. I called to my friend S and we and a few others abandoned our shoes and ran across the sand. I felt very free and quite able to run the distance without losing by breath. I hitched my skirt up and felt the wonderful sensation of physical confidence. I knew that my mother was watching me from a window in the homestead and I felt strong. After a while, I stopped running and began conversing with a woman who wore earthy clothing and had dreadlocked hair. She asked me if I liked earth music and I told her I did. She showed me a book of illustrations that she had created and I was most impressed. I told her that I was illustrating a book, but that I had found it difficult to find the time. Whilst we spoke, she drew, and I realised that this is what it would take to finish my book. She did not seek time alone or dedicated drawing time, she simply worked at it continuously no matter what was going on. She drew easily and confidently, without precision or indecision, letting the lines and ideas flow steadily onto the page.

Tuesday 13 October 2009

hippopotamus

I caught a bus home. The bus travelled up my street and dropped my at my driveway. Upon entering the house, I noticed a balcony that I had never seen before. I sat on a chair on the balcony, enjoying the afternoon sun, amazed that I had not been here before. There was a beautiful view of the river - a deep blue body of water only a few moments walk from where I sat. To my close right, I saw giant hippopotami wading through the water. I was careful to be still and quiet as I did not want to disturb the enormous animals, having heard that they can become quite vicious. I marvelled at their size, their massive heads poking out of the water. One hippopotamus walked out of the water and I could see that though they were huge, they were also quite lean. Erring on the side of caution, I decided to leave my spot and go inside, just in case the hippo wandered too close.

the end of home

I was in the two family homes of my childhood, somehow both at the same time. I threw several pairs of black stockings into the corners of a few rooms and each pair burst into flames. The homes were on fire. Furious orange tongues licked the walls, fire raging through the houses. I searched the rooms, trying to find something precious to take with me. I asked myself what I treasured most and I decided upon only one thing: family. I found my phone, my connection to the ones I love, and texted my brother. A terrible storm hit the houses and rain sheeted down into the rooms, now open to the sky, quenching the flames. The houses flooded. High, powerful waters washed away all that had been. Memories, possessions, walls and all traces of our lives in the two homes were gone.

Friday 9 October 2009

festival

I was at a festival, camping with others. I sorted through my bag, finding the most suitable items of clothing to wear for an all-night concert and a chance of a swim. I put on layers of clothes, ready for anything. We lay on the grass, listening to music and later, in an arena with raked audience seating stretching right around the performance space, watched an amazing theatre piece. Toward the end of the show, two characters transformed into intricate wooden puppets - a boy and a girl - and the set turned to wood. The girl puppet - with no strings or obvious means of movement - ran up the wooden staircase, her wooden dress fanning behind her, away from the boy who stood below looking up at her. The stairs became the entrance to her palatial home and she continued running, the sound of wooden shoes tapping on wooden streets filling the space. As she passed through the rooms of the home, the set continued to change so that she ran through the house, out into the street, under street lamps, past towers and into the city, all the while running around the arena stage. I was mystified as to how the puppets moved and the set changed, seemingly without human interference. It was magic. The show over, the huge audience prepared to leave. I realised that I was utterly exhausted and found it difficult to keep my eyes open. I sorted through my bag, looking for something, but fell asleep, tumbling out of my chair and down the aisle. Though I was aware that I was lying on the stairs, I wanted to stay there and sleep, but because of the crowd, I stood and we left the arena. Next we went into a building where a security guard was checking ID on the way in. I noticed that everyone was wearing a festival badge with their name and photograph displayed. I found my badge in my bag, but the photograph was missing. I was worried about not being able to get in so sifted through my bag to find another photo or form of identification. The security guard reassured me that we would find matching ID and I would be able to enter.

Wednesday 7 October 2009

ChrehDoch

I was in my old bedroom, listening to the radio, when a fabulous song came on. I immediately recognised the woman's voice though I had never before heard this song. It was very unusual in style. The woman sang with great power, using her voice in a particularly throaty way, much like the way Bulgarian folk singers do. She was backed by musicians with a gypsy fusion sound, influenced by tango and underscored by dance music. Julia Lester announced that it was indeed my friend singing the song with her new ensemble: ChrehDoch.

overcoming obstacles

Climbing up a short hill, only as tall as my shoulder though extremely steep. The two others with me reach the top easily and wait for me there. They are puzzled by how difficult I find it. As I climb, the ground turns to wet, slimy mud and my feet and hands slide back down with every attempt. The hill becomes even steeper, until it is at right angles to the ground. My legs feel weak and powerless, unable to carry me to the top, yet I am determined to make it. I find plastic mesh buried in the muddy hill wall and cling to it, pulling myself up. I have to throw my right leg forward, then my left leg, moving them manually, one after the other. I pull myself up the hill - the others still waiting - and finally reach the top.