waiting & weak legs

I was on a journey, travelling with another woman. We had stopped for a few nights at place in the bush, staying in a cabin. There were many others staying in tents and dormitory style accommodation – it appeared to be a conference or big event of some kind. I went into the main auditorium and stood backstage, watching acrobatic entertainment and listening to music. After a while, I decided that I had been backstage for far too long, and went to register as a performer. I spoke to a man down the front of the room who consulted a large notepad, checking his time schedule. He wanted to know if I would like to be the last to perform on the final night of the event, but aware that this would make me the headline act, I declined. I was allocated a timeslot as the second performance on the final night. I then felt slightly regretful and promised myself that I would not knock back such an opportunity again. The man said that he assumed I would be singing about food and I was surprised until I realised that it was an organic food event, so I agreed to think of a set of songs about food.

I went outside and joined a queue of people that were waiting to enter water of some kind, perhaps a swimming pool. I sat down for a moment and then found that I was unable to stand again. I tried and tried to stand up but my quadriceps had no strength – none. I was between two children in the queue: the child in front thought I was being funny and the child behind was even more pronouncedly floppy. I held the floppy child up in my right hand, supporting her back though her limbs drooped like a puppet’s.

Later, I was in the home where I lived with my family as a teenager. We were in the loungeroom and I was sitting in an armchair, facing the bookshelf. I couldn’t move my legs. A man came into the room, a stranger, and I called out to my father. Instead of coming into the room, my father ran up the stairs toward my bedroom, thinking I was in trouble and was in my room. Meanwhile, my mother came into the loungeroom and the stranger picked up long-stemmed umbrella and hit her across the legs with it, causing her to fall backwards into another armchair. Seeing my mother hurt, I managed to stand up, cross the room and, with a different long umbrella with a sharp point at the end, first hit the attacker and then stabbed him. At this stage it turned into a woman, the grown-up version of a girl I knew as a teenager. I thrust the umbrella into her chest and pushed downward so that I could see the point jutting out of her thigh. She didn’t die and hardly seemed affected or wounded. It was as though she were made of soft & pliable plastic.

sheep

Driving down a street in the neighbourhood where I grew up, I was looking for an old friend’s house. I realised I had driven past it so I turned around and drove slowly back up the road. I saw her house where she had lived with her mother, father & brother, plus the house next door where her grandparents had lived. Her house was now changed, the walls made of rocks instead of weatherboard, perhaps a rock façade. I went in and found the family having dinner. After greetings, I looked out the window at their beautiful back yard: a vast & lush green lawn with great fig trees and a flock of sheep grazing out the back. The dark grey ram was twice the size of the sheep; I watched as he roamed among the flock. I told my friend’s mother that the garden was exactly as I had remembered it and that I often thought of it, which is strange as it was extremely different from how it actually was.

trying

I was on my way to do an exam. I wasn’t prepared properly and I was trying to find time to go over my readings and notes so that I could brush up before sitting for the test. It was important to me to do well. I had a couple of hours left but it seemed to take a very long time to get to the campus. Eventually, I acknowledged that I would have to sit the exam without studying.
When I actually arrived, I went into a large room with computers on desks in lines around the room. I tried to find a computer that wasn’t already occupied but had trouble finding one. Even the computers desks that appeared to be vacant were being used by people who had temporarily left their desks.
It was dusk. I wandered around the campus and up a hill through the bush to a building housing showers and toilets. Inside, I met a family: a father and his children, three or four boys I think. They invited me over to their house for a meal. I wanted to go but felt uncertain as they seemed to be looking for a new wife/mother.
Next, I was leaving the campus with my mother. We were deciding where to go, perhaps to go to a bar for a glass of wine. We found my car and started to drive away. I was not at all sure of the way. I had to make fast decisions as the road divided suddenly and the traffic was moving very quickly. We drove up an extremely steep hill, the road narrow - only one lane. As we travelled, we caught up with a woman running up the hill in the middle of the road. I sounded my horn as we needed to keep moving fast but were stuck behind her. She moved over and we passed her but ahead were more and more people running up the hill. We suddenly realised that the hill was a dead end – literally. It simply stopped and dropped away to nothing, like a giant triangle, perhaps a kilometer high, had been built, jutting out of the ground. At the same time that we realised this, the car started to go backwards, gaining speed as we went. I pressed the brake with my foot down to the car floor, but still we gained momentum. There was no room and no time to turn around, so I had to reverse all the way back down the hill, absolutely flying, steering carefully back down the narrow road, until we reached the bottom safely and tried to find a different way to go.

makeup & dancing

I was looking in the mirror. I washed my face and immediately began to apply moisturiser. The cream did not absorb easily into my skin so I began to make patterns on my face: white stripes and swirls painted on my forehead, cheeks and chin.

Next, I was walking to an event with a childhood friend. On the way, we dropped into the cosmetics department of a large store, just on closing time. We stood looking at some beautiful products: peachy powders that sparkled under the lights, soft fragrant creams and iridescent blue shadows. My friend, standing to my left, took one of the powders and slipped it into her bag — she stole it. I was amazed, wishing I had some but glad that I was not guilty. A very authoritarian female figure ushered people out of the store. I suddenly noticed that I was missing part of my luggage: a white paper bag that contained something precious to me. My friend went out to see if it was outside whilst I looked around the counter where we were standing. The lady was waiting for us to leave but she gave me a free sample size of the blue eyeshadow. I searched for something – a small bag or container – to put the makeup in to protect it. I found the white bag inside another bigger bag that I was carrying.

We arrived at the event. There were hundreds of people sitting around on the grass and lined up around the edges of a vast field. I noticed the mother of another childhood friend walking past; she had dyed her hair blonde and was with a younger man. Loud music pumped out of speakers and I danced on the grass on the side of a hill. At first, I was the only one dancing and I didn’t really care. The music carried me and I danced looking over a wide view of the land. A young man wearing a grey jumper stood up to dance with me and then many others joined us. We danced with utter abandon. The older men at the event all began a dance to some Village People music it was both funny and fantastic. We had a great time.

jewels and shells

I was inside the gates of a community. The buildings were reminiscent of Chinese architecture: red and turquoise with dark grey roofs that curled like a scroll at the edges. I stood inside a large open-plan house — there were at least fifty children asleep on mats on the floor in neat rows. I seemed to be on a tour of the community. I was led into a grand home with beautiful furniture and lighting, again red and turquoise the predominant colours. A man, perhaps the governor of the community, lived in the home. I was his guest.

I wandered from the house to a small cabin; I recognised the cabin as my childhood cubby house — a one-roomed reddish brown building. I stepped up the two stairs into the cabin and began to sort through my things. It seemed that it was a storage space, a cupboard, containing all sorts of things that I have owned over the years. I was vaguely aware of passing time and the need to really go through everything, to sort it out. I found a wooden jewelry box with Chinese designs carved into the wood. It was similar to a jewelry box I actually own but much larger. I looked inside, searching for a piece of jewelry and found three different pendants. I held each one up to the light, deciding which one to wear.

Next, I was standing in running shallow water, only as deep as my ankles. It was very clear and I could see in detail the light sand and beautiful shells under the water. I picked up a shell: it was as big as my hand and almost flat, white but with a deep pink blush at the scalloped edges as it fanned out. I took a step and picked up another large shell which was shaped like a spiral but again quite flat, white with caramel brown swirls. I dropped the shells back into the water and immediately the sand shifted, partially covering them. I took a few more steps and found very similar shells. I took my time deciding which shells to take as a souvenir.

birds

I was standing in a natural pool of blue-green water – a lagoon. The water was very calm and although it was clean, it was not clear; I could not see through it. B was standing on the shore close by, occupied, with her back to the water. I looked up to see a bird perched on a branch overhanging the water, watching me. It was a vivid green parrot with a red stomach. I said hello. The bird regarded me for a moment before flying down and landing on the water. It floated on the surface of the water, enjoying the swim. It called out and many more birds arrived, circling down and landing on the water. Most of the birds were brilliant green but some were ruby red. We were calm. Suddenly one of the birds decided to duck dive under the water, but once under, the bird panicked and tried to flap its wings. The weight of the water in its wings prevented it from coming back to the surface. A few more of the birds dived under before they realised what was happening, and they too began to drown. The other birds flew into the air and away in fright, perhaps a hundred birds screaming and flying into the sky. Some birds stayed to try to help their mates, diving into the water to retrieve them, but they too became waterlogged. Once the birds were under the water, I couldn’t see where they had gone. I quickly scooped the water with my hands, trying to retrieve birds from the water before it was too late. Sometimes I would find a bird and a couple of them flew away, but a few dived straight back into the water, looking for their mates. I called out to B to help me and she jumped into the water. We were both scooping the water with our hands, fighting time to save as many of the birds as we could. I scooped out one of the ruby-red birds, which remained perched on my hand, looking at me. I could feel her feet clutching my finger. With my left hand I scooped out two more red birds that were already dead. They were wet and heavy in my hand. B and I stopped. We realised that it was too late to save any more birds. It was quiet and I knew that the red bird’s mate was dead. Her eyes were filled with tears.

body experiences

I was in a car in between a few people. I was not in my body but in my brother’s body, and I was aware that I would not be in his skin for very long. I admired my (his) hands as they were so long, strong and elegant. I said that if I had these hands, I could not help but look at them all the time. I could feel pins and needles in the fingertips of each finger. We arrived at our destination and I went back into my own body and my brother was in his. We, various members of my family, stood in a group outside a building. One family member was standing outside our circle, having a beer with a couple of rough, dangerous looking men, who appeared to be out on parole. Although he didn’t say anything, I knew that my brother was very disappointed in that family member and disapproved of his actions as he somehow put the family in danger.
Also in the group were my cousin and his young son. For some reason, they were both caricatures of their real selves. The adult cousin stood about three foot high with a beaming round cartoon face and was very loud and loutish. His son was even shorter, about one foot high, and was showing off. I was trying to ignore the attention seeking antics of these two, mildly offended by their vulgarity. I saw a look of disappointment cross the face of my cousin and I felt softer toward him.

fitness

I was living with two girls who were both very fit. We were meeting out somewhere. When one of the girls arrived, she was salty and sweaty from running through the city to meet us. She looked fantastic – brown and sunned and so muscular. She was naked except for a g-string and some running shoes. She said that she ran every day for fitness and a tan, and because it made her feel great. I asked if she was ever worried about being naked but she said that she was used to it. The other housemate arrived and although she was softer, she too was very fit. I admired the shape of her arms and also the muscular structure of her legs, particularly the muscles just above her knees. I wanted to be as fit as they were.

snake bite, flight & centipede

I was with my brother and sister in the courtyard of our family home. There was a dark green snake on the ground between us. The snake was quite fat and only about a metre long. It was watching us but didn’t seem to be aggressive. I was concerned that it might bite my brother. Suddenly the snake whipped its head out toward me and bit me on the foot. I could see two fang holes, dark against my skin. I went inside to show my father. He was sitting in the loungeroom with my mother and my grandmother (my father’s mother, who is no longer alive). I felt embarrassed about telling them what had happened as I didn’t want to appear weak and I felt I had had a few things go wrong recently. I showed them the snake bite and there appeared to be another two fang holes; an earlier snake bite that I should have seen to long before. My mother and father left the room to seek advice and I sat down facing my grandmother. We were awkward and didn’t know what to say, so she left the room too.

Later, I was flying through the sky with other people, following a beautiful coastline. The sky was brilliant blue, the ocean deeper shades of blue and vivid ultramarine greens, and there were wonderful rock shapes and cliffs along the shoreline. I could see several ocean baths and a myriad of rockpools—I suddenly realised that we were flying over Newcastle. I was so proud of the beauty of the place and called to the others flying, that this was my home. We flew around so that we could see Newcastle from all perspectives: a 360º view. The sun was going down and all of the city lights came on. We could see tall buildings lit up against the twilight sky, street lights twinkling and the ocean surrounding the city. I landed on nearby cliff and had a cry, moved by our scenic flight.

On the clifftop, I could see a bag which I knew to be mine. I went over to the bag and realised that it contained work that I needed to resume. Since I had been gone, a few creepy creatures had moved into my bag which I had to get rid of before I could reach into the bag or begin what I needed to do. I could see a bright orange giant centipede, at least 30cm long, with black legs and fangs. It was eating a fat grub that was also bright orange. There was a smaller, much thinner centipede which I picked up and threw away. I sprinkled some salt on the grub and the bright colour immediately left his body – he died. The large centipede retaliated by shooting a watery liquid out of his mouth, first onto the grub and then extending the arc of his spit, aiming for me. I realised that my sister was asleep on a mat behind me and I was worried that the poison liquid would touch her so I moved away and thumped the ground, the vibrations leading the centipede to shoot the venom at me.

rage

I was in the bedroom of my teenage years, in the house that my family built. I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep as it was very late at night. I could see a young man walking down the hall and into the doorway of my sister’s bedroom. He looked to be drunk or volatile. He came into my room and grabbed my arms, telling me something. I sat up in bed and relaxed my arms so that his anger was not aroused. He said he would be happy if I made him cous cous and Moroccan dishes, to remind him of his home in northern Africa.

I walked down the hall to my brother’s room. I was looking for something.

Next, I was in a large, open grassy area, at the top of a huge hill. There was a man standing at the top of the hill and I could see a woman run all the way from the bottom of the hill to the top. She was guilty of a crime that now eludes me and she had an obvious attraction to the man. The police had planted the man so that she would confess her crime to him and she would be caught. He asked her to meet him on the riverbank for a romantic afternoon. My attention went elsewhere for a moment or two, and when I looked back, I could see that the man and woman had indeed met by the river, but she was in a rage as she had discovered that he was deceiving her. His mouth, that she had kissed only seconds before, was now open in pain and missing teeth—he was spitting blood. She had hit him very hard and was now running to her car, a huge purple four wheel drive, screaming that she would run him over. She drove her car straight into massive rocks which simply splintered with the force of the solid bulbar at the front of her car. It also seemed to have the power of a bull dozer, as she rammed into trees and stones, pushing them out of the way. Also enraged, he ran to his motorcycle, a huge green bike with a very loud engine. They began weaving all over the grassy expanse at the foot of the hill, chasing each other, trying to run each other down. I was running and running, trying to dodge them both as they drove, at top speed, around and around. I had to keep changing direction. At one point, I couldn’t escape the car and it ran straight over the top of me but I flattened my body to the ground so that it passed over me without touching me. The noise of the two engines and of the tyres skidding in the dirt was deafening. I was frightened.

bison

I flew, low in the sky, and circled above two animals, observing them. It took me a few moments to work out what they were as I was overwhelmed by their enormity and power at such a close proximity. I realised that they were huge bison. The female was dark grey and slightly smaller than the male who was black. I could hear them breathing and snorting. As I flew above them, the male bison looked up at me, watching me fly. He looked into my eyes.

dogs

I was sitting on a deck chair in a backyard, eating a bowl of food. A tiny white dog, a pup, was trying to jump on my leg and eat from my bowl. I stopped him and he made a little whining sound, but when I had finished eating, I looked for him to give him the scraps. A different dog appeared, a grey hound, so I threw it some tofu which it happily ate. Another dog appeared, a brown sausage dog, so I gave it some scraps too. There appeared on the deck chair a plate of quality meats: pastrami, proscuitto and the like. I looked for the white puppy whilst trying to protect the plate from the hungry dogs. A third new dog appeared, a grey sausage dog, which stole some meat from the plate and attempted to creep under the house. I stopped him, made him drop the meat and smacked him on the nose. Immediately, I felt awful for smacking him so I threw him a small portion of the meat that he had taken, wondering if the seemingly contrasting actions would be too confusing. I put my hand forward and the dog growled at me. I was nervous and felt that the dog had no respect for me, so I was in danger. The dog’s eyes looked from side to side and it seemed to consider biting me. While I was preoccupied with the grey sausage dog, the other dogs ate the rest of the meat on the plate. I didn’t see the white pup again.

music

I was sitting on the bed in a caravan of sorts: it had one side that was completely open to the outside – a three walled caravan. There were three women standing between the end of the bed and the opening. They began to sing to me and I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes, listening to their song intently. It was sung to a laid back loop – very contemporary. Their voices were full, mature voices as they were all in their late thirties or early forties. The first woman had a deep voice with a wonderful gravelly edge; she was the narrator of the song and sang the entire first half before the other women began to sing. The second woman had a slightly higher (although by no means high) voice and somewhat brighter, like a brass instrument. The third woman had a smooth deep voice like a cello. Together, they were the instruments creating a beautiful and unique sound.

driving

I was driving at night down the backstreets of a suburb in Brisbane. My car, if you can call it that, was just the seat and a steering stick – like an electric wheelchair, although it was a car. I approached some poles cemented in a median strip and could see that someone had clothed the poles in a woman’s dress – a practical joke that I though rather dangerous. It looked as though there was a woman standing in the middle of the road. I turned down a street and could hear two people talking further down the road: a father and his daughter. I passed them, gaining speed, and turned into another street. I felt uneasy as I could see a large male figure lurking in the darkness. As I passed him, he started to run after me. I tried to speed up and to find the headlights so as I might blind him. He was gaining on me as I raced toward the corner. I was scared of taking the corner too quickly as I might overturn, but I was also scared that if I slowed down, he would catch me. I tried to call out using my deepest voice to make him think that I wasn’t female, and I actually did call out and woke to the sound of my voice in the night.