change

I was sitting at a long and narrow wooden table with many other people. The table was very low, only inches off the ground, so rather than sitting on chairs, we sat cross-legged either side of the table, facing our dinner partner. Each person had a similar table setting: a wooden placemat or tray holding a plate of food and a glass of red wine. Everyone else had accepted the glass of wine that was offered with the meal, but I had bought a glass of quality wine to enjoy with dinner. As we sat, the ground tipped beneath us until we were sitting on a steep slope. Everyone else stayed anchored to their place with their placemat fixed to the spot, but my placemat, along with my meal and wine, started slipping down the hill. I attempted to keep it in place, but my body began to slide down as well. Again, I tried to remain in place but I could not, so rather than upsetting the wine and losing my meal, I steadied them as I slid down to the bottom of the hill to flatter ground. I could see my dinner partner, still sitting in place. I looked up to see that I had come to rest directly below an unstable shelf holding stuffed toys and memorabilia. The shelf gave way and it fell down, raining me with all of the items that had been stored on it. Various people who had been seated at the table came to help me, picking up the wooden shelf and the bulk of the toys. My wine had been knocked over but had been soaked up by a newspaper, so I was not worried about the mess, only about wasting it. I looked back at the table and could see my dinner partner still seated there – my partner had not tried to help me. I lay down again, closing my eyes, trying to block out this reality and leave the space.

Next, I entered a room full of people that I knew in one capacity or another. I greeted some of the party with a kiss, but I could sense that not everyone was genuine in their greeting or friendship. I particularly noticed that one man turned his cheek a certain way as I leant forward to kiss him, indicating his insincerity. Another man, who I know only as an acquaintance, stood and greeted me with great warmth and I knew that he could be trusted as a friend. My partner arrived and we went to talk with a woman that we both know; for some reason, there was a link between the three of us that is not a part of our waking life. I had not seen the woman for a long time and I was surprised to see that she had put on vast amounts of weight. She was sitting, eating something, and her cheeks were puffed up, squashing her features. I could hardly recognise the attractive girl I once knew.

Next, I was driving around the streets of Newcastle, in the suburb where I lived as a child. I was doing my best to navigate the streets which were now very busy, unlike the quiet I remember, finding my way home. I was not certain of which way to go; the roads were now changed and multi-laned, with added routes and detours. Whilst I was driving, I was also considering my future. I turned right into a main road, and paused at the lights waiting until they changed green. I must have been slow to take off as another car overtook me by swerving around me on the outside.

I arrived back at my home which was not my family home, rather the house where I lived with my partner. It was night and there were hordes of people climbing the stairs into the house. The crowd was made up of quite groovy people, many of them 30 to 50 year olds, and some of them I recognised. I realised that the house was on the market and that the crowd was here to inspect the house. I walked into the well-lit rooms, doing my best to get around the people. Our familiar furniture was mostly gone and there was display furniture in its place. In one room, there were a number of high tables with stools around them, like those you would see in a café or a bar. As I weaved my way through the tables, they closed in around me, squeezing against my hips and waist. I retrieved a clean bedspread from the laundry and went upstairs to place it on the bed. When I went to the main bedroom, I could see that the bed did not need a bedspread, so I went into the second bedroom that we reserved for guests. In the second bedroom there was a double bed and a single bed and I was shocked to see that they had both been slept in. I covered the double bed with the white and blue bedspread. My friend came in and I asked if she had slept in the bed. She answered that she had been out drinking and could not remember if she had slept there or who had slept in the other bed. I was very concerned. I then noticed that there were unfamiliar pictures stuck on the walls, pictures of boys' toys and monsters. I went to take them down but my friend told me that the new owners had already started to install their furniture and belongings. Our house was being taken over before we had left it.

Next, we were moving into a new home: an old, run-down apartment. I was walking around the apartment trying to understand the layout, but no matter how I looked at it, the floor plan seemed to shift and change. I could not comprehend which room was meant to be which or how we could organise our belongings in a pleasant and homey way. There were faded white curtains with orange flowers serving as room dividers and covering the windows, and there was old, discoloured carpet on the floor. I was disappointed that this was to be our new home but I tried to present an optimistic face. I opened a side door to let a breeze blow through the house and dry leaves blew in and covered the floor. I could see that my friend was irritated but I said that I would vacuum the leaves up.

exam

I was sitting for an exam. I completed the first few pages of the exam, answering questions that were relevant to the subject in which I was being tested. I noticed that I wrote my answers in blue pen which is unusual for me; I almost always use a black felt tipped pen. I realised that I had not written my name on the paper and I searched for the correct space to write it. I couldn’t find it and I felt confused; how would the examiners know that it was my paper? I turned to the back page and read ahead, feeling somewhat daunted and excited as the back section of the exam asked questions such as “What are your beliefs?” and “How do you feel about relationships?” I wanted to answer the questions thoughtfully and honestly. The questions challenged me to articulate my true beliefs. I also understood that the teacher was not judgmental, that he was open-minded and wise. I flicked back a couple of pages to where I was up to, deciding to address the rest of the paper in order, but couldn’t make head nor tail of the first question of the mid-section of the exam. I had to ask another person – she had finished her paper and was sitting back, texting someone on her mobile phone. I realised that the question asked if I was moving, and that the following questions related to moving house and where I was going to live. At that moment, the teacher announced that the time was up and we were to put down our pens. I had only answered the first section of the entire exam and I knew that I could not possible do well. I was disappointed, particularly as I wanted to express my thoughts on the topics raised. Instead of showing my disappointment, I said to the others at my table that it was only an exam, a small part of life, trying to place it in perspective. In truth, I had wanted to do well and felt that I had let myself down.

shouting & remorse

I was in a house with several other women. Something angered me and I shouted at the others. My voice was loud and hoarse as I attempted to communicate my feelings, and I was aware that I was communicating badly. Instantly, I was ashamed of my behaviour and I wondered when I had started shouting like that, when it had become acceptable to me. The other women were disapproving in their silence. I understood that a very young child, a girl, was sitting outside in the backyard on a swing, upset because of my screaming. I wanted to comfort her but felt obliged to stay inside, taking part in the household activities. Eventually someone else went to be with her. I crept outside and saw that she was now next door with a group of other people, much like a church congregation, happily dancing to some music. I felt relieved that she was alright and I went back inside to attend to another small child, a boy, who was waiting for me.

thwarted path

I was in an outdoor café, sitting at a table with B. There was a group of people sitting a few tables away, calling out and generally being very loud and rude. I went over to their table and told them to be quiet and that they should consider other people, this late Sunday afternoon. I then went into the chamber where the elevator would normally be, discovered it was gone, so I began to climb up the wall frames like scaling up monkey bars, until I reached the correct floor. I emerged into a library where I could see an old friend who was now the manager there. She looked a little older and I was impressed, if a little daunted, by how far she had come in life.

Next, I was in the foyer outside the library, attempting to cross to the other side of the room, but I was caught in the middle of a game much like Red Rover Cross Over. Every time I attempted to race ahead, a robot came whizzing across the floor, tapping me on the shoulder, so that I was frozen to the spot until another person freed me. Then the robot would immediately speed over to tip me again. I could not work out how to get to where I wanted to go as the robot had super-human speed.

purple python

I was in Germany, taking a tour of the house and garden of a man who lived in the early years of the twentieth century. He was famous for birthing new ideas and experimenting with unconventional art forms including musical, visual and literary - a visionary. The house was a huge stone mansion, housing at least several families or a large extended family at one time. It was definitely a very wealthy household. Here, I was told, he hidden during the rise of Nazi Germany, taking shelter in the secret basements, continuing to create and invent. I walked through the densely landscaped rose gardens that swept down the hill behind the house. As I neared the servants’ quarters, the path grew thick with foliage and I couldn’t get through without lying down on the ground and rolling under the thorny branches, then stepping carefully down a very slippery and steep stone wall. I felt anxious about the maneuver, my heart racing as I bent under the branches and touched the rock, and a purple snake whipped out and latched its mouth around my wrist. I did my best to squeeze the snake just behind its head so that it would let go. It did, its mouth open wide, trying to bite me again, but I could see that it hadn’t any teeth. I threw the snake away into the garden, but it came back to bite me again. Several times I had to grab the snake by the tail and behind its head, pulling it off my wrist, then throwing it back into the garden.

homestead

I was the passenger in a 4WD, heading out of Brisbane, into the country. We passed a woman that I know; she was walking in the fields, alone. She stared into the car and called out as we passed, asking if I was alright. We arrived at a homestead: a sweeping, low-set sandstone building, crowning the top of a gentle hill. It was approaching dusk and we were to gather in the shared living space for an evening drink. I freshened up from the drive, looking into a mirror with an ornate silver frame, whilst my companion, a man I know, lay on the bed. His friend, a tall, glamorous woman, made a graceful entrance, the wind blowing her loose-fitting clothing, the tails of her head scarf billowing behind her, and her eyes shaded by dark glasses. As she came close to me, bending to kiss me hello, I could see that she was very ill: her skin was spotted and she was bald.

Next, I was at the foot of the hill with my family, around a camp fire. There was a small cliff behind us. We were lying on the grassy sand, looking out to the ocean. Children were playing in the shallows – strange children with unusual faces. We began to walk along the shore, heading back up the hill. In a small alcove in the cliff face, a black cat sat, sheltering from the wind. It had a peculiar face with small green eyes. My brother touched it gently with a small stick; it nuzzled the stick and he gave the cat a scratch. We looked behind us and saw that another black cat was sitting on the hot coals left in the hearth where our fire had been. We walked up the hill toward the homestead, watching the ground for beautiful stones and jewels that were embedded in the earth. My brother bent, picking up stones and gemstones every few steps, handing them to me to hold.

my siblings

I was in the bedroom of the home I lived in throughout my teenage years. I was in bed and my mother walked in with two other people: a man and a woman. She flicked on the light and showed them around the room – perhaps they were buying the house. After they had gone, my sister came into the room; she looked lovely and sleepy so I lifted the quilt and let her crawl into bed beside me. Next our brother joined us; he was wearing a rust coloured hand-knitted jumper like one he might have worn when he was a child. Another woman sat with us in the room; it became apparent that this was our older sister. My mother came in and gave her a present: a sky-blue, wide belt with a silver buckle. She thanked my mother, who left the room, but I didn’t feel that she had appeared grateful enough. She explained that she liked that belt but was not sure about its value. I told her that I was looking forward to getting to know her and that I had known and understood my brother and sister our entire lives. My brother then walked out of the room and began to cross a road that appeared outside the bedroom door. A car rushed by and he tripped, hitting his head on the bitumen. We all ran to him. I arrived first and I picked him up and turned him over, holding him in my arms. There was blood on his head and my heart pounded so hard in my chest I woke with a start.