waiting & weak legs

I was on a journey, travelling with another woman. We had stopped for a few nights at place in the bush, staying in a cabin. There were many others staying in tents and dormitory style accommodation – it appeared to be a conference or big event of some kind. I went into the main auditorium and stood backstage, watching acrobatic entertainment and listening to music. After a while, I decided that I had been backstage for far too long, and went to register as a performer. I spoke to a man down the front of the room who consulted a large notepad, checking his time schedule. He wanted to know if I would like to be the last to perform on the final night of the event, but aware that this would make me the headline act, I declined. I was allocated a timeslot as the second performance on the final night. I then felt slightly regretful and promised myself that I would not knock back such an opportunity again. The man said that he assumed I would be singing about food and I was surprised until I realised that it was an organic food event, so I agreed to think of a set of songs about food.

I went outside and joined a queue of people that were waiting to enter water of some kind, perhaps a swimming pool. I sat down for a moment and then found that I was unable to stand again. I tried and tried to stand up but my quadriceps had no strength – none. I was between two children in the queue: the child in front thought I was being funny and the child behind was even more pronouncedly floppy. I held the floppy child up in my right hand, supporting her back though her limbs drooped like a puppet’s.

Later, I was in the home where I lived with my family as a teenager. We were in the loungeroom and I was sitting in an armchair, facing the bookshelf. I couldn’t move my legs. A man came into the room, a stranger, and I called out to my father. Instead of coming into the room, my father ran up the stairs toward my bedroom, thinking I was in trouble and was in my room. Meanwhile, my mother came into the loungeroom and the stranger picked up long-stemmed umbrella and hit her across the legs with it, causing her to fall backwards into another armchair. Seeing my mother hurt, I managed to stand up, cross the room and, with a different long umbrella with a sharp point at the end, first hit the attacker and then stabbed him. At this stage it turned into a woman, the grown-up version of a girl I knew as a teenager. I thrust the umbrella into her chest and pushed downward so that I could see the point jutting out of her thigh. She didn’t die and hardly seemed affected or wounded. It was as though she were made of soft & pliable plastic.

sheep

Driving down a street in the neighbourhood where I grew up, I was looking for an old friend’s house. I realised I had driven past it so I turned around and drove slowly back up the road. I saw her house where she had lived with her mother, father & brother, plus the house next door where her grandparents had lived. Her house was now changed, the walls made of rocks instead of weatherboard, perhaps a rock façade. I went in and found the family having dinner. After greetings, I looked out the window at their beautiful back yard: a vast & lush green lawn with great fig trees and a flock of sheep grazing out the back. The dark grey ram was twice the size of the sheep; I watched as he roamed among the flock. I told my friend’s mother that the garden was exactly as I had remembered it and that I often thought of it, which is strange as it was extremely different from how it actually was.

trying

I was on my way to do an exam. I wasn’t prepared properly and I was trying to find time to go over my readings and notes so that I could brush up before sitting for the test. It was important to me to do well. I had a couple of hours left but it seemed to take a very long time to get to the campus. Eventually, I acknowledged that I would have to sit the exam without studying.
When I actually arrived, I went into a large room with computers on desks in lines around the room. I tried to find a computer that wasn’t already occupied but had trouble finding one. Even the computers desks that appeared to be vacant were being used by people who had temporarily left their desks.
It was dusk. I wandered around the campus and up a hill through the bush to a building housing showers and toilets. Inside, I met a family: a father and his children, three or four boys I think. They invited me over to their house for a meal. I wanted to go but felt uncertain as they seemed to be looking for a new wife/mother.
Next, I was leaving the campus with my mother. We were deciding where to go, perhaps to go to a bar for a glass of wine. We found my car and started to drive away. I was not at all sure of the way. I had to make fast decisions as the road divided suddenly and the traffic was moving very quickly. We drove up an extremely steep hill, the road narrow - only one lane. As we travelled, we caught up with a woman running up the hill in the middle of the road. I sounded my horn as we needed to keep moving fast but were stuck behind her. She moved over and we passed her but ahead were more and more people running up the hill. We suddenly realised that the hill was a dead end – literally. It simply stopped and dropped away to nothing, like a giant triangle, perhaps a kilometer high, had been built, jutting out of the ground. At the same time that we realised this, the car started to go backwards, gaining speed as we went. I pressed the brake with my foot down to the car floor, but still we gained momentum. There was no room and no time to turn around, so I had to reverse all the way back down the hill, absolutely flying, steering carefully back down the narrow road, until we reached the bottom safely and tried to find a different way to go.

makeup & dancing

I was looking in the mirror. I washed my face and immediately began to apply moisturiser. The cream did not absorb easily into my skin so I began to make patterns on my face: white stripes and swirls painted on my forehead, cheeks and chin.

Next, I was walking to an event with a childhood friend. On the way, we dropped into the cosmetics department of a large store, just on closing time. We stood looking at some beautiful products: peachy powders that sparkled under the lights, soft fragrant creams and iridescent blue shadows. My friend, standing to my left, took one of the powders and slipped it into her bag — she stole it. I was amazed, wishing I had some but glad that I was not guilty. A very authoritarian female figure ushered people out of the store. I suddenly noticed that I was missing part of my luggage: a white paper bag that contained something precious to me. My friend went out to see if it was outside whilst I looked around the counter where we were standing. The lady was waiting for us to leave but she gave me a free sample size of the blue eyeshadow. I searched for something – a small bag or container – to put the makeup in to protect it. I found the white bag inside another bigger bag that I was carrying.

We arrived at the event. There were hundreds of people sitting around on the grass and lined up around the edges of a vast field. I noticed the mother of another childhood friend walking past; she had dyed her hair blonde and was with a younger man. Loud music pumped out of speakers and I danced on the grass on the side of a hill. At first, I was the only one dancing and I didn’t really care. The music carried me and I danced looking over a wide view of the land. A young man wearing a grey jumper stood up to dance with me and then many others joined us. We danced with utter abandon. The older men at the event all began a dance to some Village People music it was both funny and fantastic. We had a great time.

jewels and shells

I was inside the gates of a community. The buildings were reminiscent of Chinese architecture: red and turquoise with dark grey roofs that curled like a scroll at the edges. I stood inside a large open-plan house — there were at least fifty children asleep on mats on the floor in neat rows. I seemed to be on a tour of the community. I was led into a grand home with beautiful furniture and lighting, again red and turquoise the predominant colours. A man, perhaps the governor of the community, lived in the home. I was his guest.

I wandered from the house to a small cabin; I recognised the cabin as my childhood cubby house — a one-roomed reddish brown building. I stepped up the two stairs into the cabin and began to sort through my things. It seemed that it was a storage space, a cupboard, containing all sorts of things that I have owned over the years. I was vaguely aware of passing time and the need to really go through everything, to sort it out. I found a wooden jewelry box with Chinese designs carved into the wood. It was similar to a jewelry box I actually own but much larger. I looked inside, searching for a piece of jewelry and found three different pendants. I held each one up to the light, deciding which one to wear.

Next, I was standing in running shallow water, only as deep as my ankles. It was very clear and I could see in detail the light sand and beautiful shells under the water. I picked up a shell: it was as big as my hand and almost flat, white but with a deep pink blush at the scalloped edges as it fanned out. I took a step and picked up another large shell which was shaped like a spiral but again quite flat, white with caramel brown swirls. I dropped the shells back into the water and immediately the sand shifted, partially covering them. I took a few more steps and found very similar shells. I took my time deciding which shells to take as a souvenir.

birds

I was standing in a natural pool of blue-green water – a lagoon. The water was very calm and although it was clean, it was not clear; I could not see through it. B was standing on the shore close by, occupied, with her back to the water. I looked up to see a bird perched on a branch overhanging the water, watching me. It was a vivid green parrot with a red stomach. I said hello. The bird regarded me for a moment before flying down and landing on the water. It floated on the surface of the water, enjoying the swim. It called out and many more birds arrived, circling down and landing on the water. Most of the birds were brilliant green but some were ruby red. We were calm. Suddenly one of the birds decided to duck dive under the water, but once under, the bird panicked and tried to flap its wings. The weight of the water in its wings prevented it from coming back to the surface. A few more of the birds dived under before they realised what was happening, and they too began to drown. The other birds flew into the air and away in fright, perhaps a hundred birds screaming and flying into the sky. Some birds stayed to try to help their mates, diving into the water to retrieve them, but they too became waterlogged. Once the birds were under the water, I couldn’t see where they had gone. I quickly scooped the water with my hands, trying to retrieve birds from the water before it was too late. Sometimes I would find a bird and a couple of them flew away, but a few dived straight back into the water, looking for their mates. I called out to B to help me and she jumped into the water. We were both scooping the water with our hands, fighting time to save as many of the birds as we could. I scooped out one of the ruby-red birds, which remained perched on my hand, looking at me. I could feel her feet clutching my finger. With my left hand I scooped out two more red birds that were already dead. They were wet and heavy in my hand. B and I stopped. We realised that it was too late to save any more birds. It was quiet and I knew that the red bird’s mate was dead. Her eyes were filled with tears.

body experiences

I was in a car in between a few people. I was not in my body but in my brother’s body, and I was aware that I would not be in his skin for very long. I admired my (his) hands as they were so long, strong and elegant. I said that if I had these hands, I could not help but look at them all the time. I could feel pins and needles in the fingertips of each finger. We arrived at our destination and I went back into my own body and my brother was in his. We, various members of my family, stood in a group outside a building. One family member was standing outside our circle, having a beer with a couple of rough, dangerous looking men, who appeared to be out on parole. Although he didn’t say anything, I knew that my brother was very disappointed in that family member and disapproved of his actions as he somehow put the family in danger.
Also in the group were my cousin and his young son. For some reason, they were both caricatures of their real selves. The adult cousin stood about three foot high with a beaming round cartoon face and was very loud and loutish. His son was even shorter, about one foot high, and was showing off. I was trying to ignore the attention seeking antics of these two, mildly offended by their vulgarity. I saw a look of disappointment cross the face of my cousin and I felt softer toward him.